Trying to clear mind can be hard at times =/

So much happening so much to think about sometimes + exams are coming and my exams are all packed together for the first time in my university career (I was lucky enough before that they are spread out).  This means I have one week to study for all my exams before they start next Friday (I have exams April 8,9,11,12,14 =p).

It’s hard sometimes to just sit down and think clearly.  I’m not super anxious or stressed, but I still keep thinking and going through the things I want to get done…

Completely letting go and surrendering can be so hard sometimes…

Help me to just rely completely on You Lord =)

Fire Fall Down

Can you imagine what God would do on this campus if all those who call ourselves Christ followers would rise up and say “Here I am Lord use me!!!!”

School and Academics for me, last 2 years

So I stayed up till practically 5AM last night finishing my biochem assignment.  I finished it and was decently satisfied with the answers to the questions.  I’m pretty sure I can pass.  But I’m still fretting about it a little, because I want to do more than pass =p.  Someone reminded me that it’s “only worth 5%”, but every mark counts right?

Believe it or not, Just half a year ago, I didn’t really go to school by that statement.  If you’re reading this and only just met me this year, then you probably don’t know a lot about my past academics in university.  But when I look back, I can only see how pathetic and stupid I was towards school.

I came to university with great excitement from high school.  To meet new people, gain new experiences and also to learn more.  But in high school, I was a complete slacker.  I don’t even know if I ever “studied” for a test or exam EVER.  I just went to class and did my homework (with procrastination of course), but NEVER really reviewed anything.  But, I’m sure as many people can attest, high school is super easy when compared to university.  I did mighty well mark-wise.

So I came having practically no experience on what it really meant to “work my butt off”.  I had never really stressed too much in high school, and so I had the same attitude coming in.  Suffice it to say that over 4 terms in school the last 2 years, I failed a lot of courses I shouldn’t have.  And it was not because I was dumb or just didn’t understand a lot of stuff, my work ethic just SUCKED and I didn’t even care enough.

I got a 13% in Linear Algebra in first term…you’re probably saying how is that possible?!?  It shouldn’t be..I just did not do ANYTHING for the course…I didn’t study, I didn’t do the assignments, started skipping class a month into the term.  I barely passed physics..and i don’t know how I managed an 80 in chem.  But I went from a 90average student to a 50average, right in first term..simply because i did not work hard.

The next 3 terms went by similarly.  You would think I would learn my lesson, but i didn’t… at least not right away.  I failed 2 of the basic biol courses because I didn’t show up to the mandatory tutorials enough and missed out on too much marks there, even though I passed my exam.  There was a term where I was so behind that I just gave up and didn’t show up for the exam!  SO bad right?  I know all you school workaholics (jkingss) are probably wide mouthed right now.

I just didn’t care enough…

That’s why I’m so THANKFUL this term.  I’m still procrastinating like crazy, but now I’m actually doing all my work and assignments no matter how late or how much work there was.  I’m not giving up so easily…. 

Maybe it took 2 years for me to finally get why I’m here and what I should be doing.  But I thank God that He’s shown me and given me more motivation to do well.  I can’t say I understand the concept of what it means to glorify God in everything I do completely.  But I do know that if I can’t even handle the little trials that I face here in school, then I won’t be able to handle the bigger tasks in life that God will call me to do.  How can I serve God, when I can’t even handle a little work here in university?  I need to learn to trust Him and work for Him!  And even though, marks aren’t everything, how would it look if I say I’m a Christian, but am I complete slacker?  How can I help others and have a life of integrity, when I can’t even put effort or work hard when I need to in school?

By God’s grace, I’ll be able to come out of this term having done a lot better academically.  I still worry that I won’t do well, but I need to rely on God and just keep on persevering!

Technology and our Ego, Purpose for Doing Things

“The ego is the part of us that loves power. It is the part that loves to be seen, recognized, praised, and adored. Facebook provides a powerful platform for this. It provides a platform by which every word, picture, or thought I have can be seen, praised, 'liked'. As a result, I begin to seek this. But then it doesn't just stay in the cyber world. I begin even to live my life with this visibility in mind. Suddenly, I live every experience, every photo, every thought, as if it's being watched, because in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "I'll put it on Facebook." This creates a very interesting state of being, almost a constant sense that I am living my life on display. I become ever conscious of being watched, because everything can be put up on Facebook for others to see and comment on.”

-from HuffingtonPostReligion

We live in a society that relies on technology.  No doubt for us students, technology is one of the biggest distractions.  We can spend loads of time on Facebook or Youtube instead of doing our assignments or studying.  I’m sure it shows if we looked at stats (if there were any) of how students spent their time 30 years ago in university and how we spend our time now in the 21st century. 

Technology has definitely made many parts of our lives more convenient.  Never before has the world as a whole been so connected.  We can stay in contact with friends and family around the world through instant messaging, email and social networks.  I can ask someone how they are doing by sending an email and immediately in a few minutes get a response.  We can stay in contact with more people than ever before through things like Facebook, Twitter and email.  I can easily stay in contact with someone I just met on a trip or in a conference.  We can share information, insights, pictures and videos very easily through social networks and blogs.  Breaking news will travel instantly across the world and millions of people can know about something minutes after it happens (especially with advent of Twitter).

Besides being a distraction for productivity sometimes though, technology can also be something that can inflate our ego.  The article that the quote above was taken from puts it very bluntly (go read it!).  We want to be seen, heard and praised by other people.  We look for people’s approval instead of God’s.  It’s true that even without Facebook or Twitter, that desire innate in us would still be there.  I see that especially evident in my life when with large groups of friends.  I sometimes find myself doing things to get people’s attention, or gain their approval.  But Facebook and Twitter provides another way for us to do it and it is a constant temptation (at least for me) to not let other people’s thoughts towards me influence my actions. 

If we let those things drive our lives, then they will become idols.  We put the importance of other people’s thoughts and attitudes towards us above God’s.  We become prideful and self-centered, seeking our own glory instead of God’s.

Sometimes we fast from technology (ie. no Facebook for a month!!!), and it definitely helps in reminding yourself what values are important in life, etc etc.  But I think we need to also go to the core of the problem: our desire for our own glory and not God’s.  Fasting may only cover the problem instead of solving it if we don’t reflect on its purpose.

So why do we do the things we do?  Why do you work hard in school?  Why am I serving in this ministry?  I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions towards my purpose of doing things recently.  I think because I so easily fall to glorifying myself, I need to constantly remind myself for why I should be doing things.  I want to reflect on the gospel, on eternal things, and on what really matters; not on things that are petty and meaningless.

I’m definitely really thankful that God has given us His Spirit to convict us of our sins.  But it also takes a huge amount of faith that God will continue to sanctify us into His image.  Without that faith, we become anxious and worried and start to rely on ourselves to fix our problems.  So I definitely need to pray that God will continue to convict me and give me the strength to change from my ways.